Napolitano Cracks Down on Terror Suspects

"I'm not kidding. This is serious"

Washington DC, Nov 16, 2010. In an effort to make flying safer, Janet Napolitano the Secretary for Homeland Security has ordered much tighter security measures at routine Airport screening checks.

"I think we should crack down hard on these terror suspects, provided we don't cross the line and ethnically profile anyone," Secretary Napolitano told us. "It is a vital measure needed to prevent terror plots on our aircraft."

Some critics have suggested that this is just an overreaction due to her failure to prevent the Ft. Hood Massacre, the Christmas Bomber, and the Times Square Bomber. All of which either succeed or were thwarted by a bystander, and not stopped by any action taken by Homeland Security.

Suspected shoe bomber Sol Abromowitz

The Homeland Security secretary said in a statement Saturday that new measures were “designed to be unpredictable, so passengers should not expect to see the same thing everywhere.” 

She said passengers should proceed with their holiday plans and “as always, be observant and aware of their surroundings and report any suspicious behavior or activity to law enforcement officials.”

"We really have to crack down hard on terrorists posing as old men, old women, children or nuns," she said, "making certain that no Moslems are being unfairly singled out for our invasive and humiliating body searches." 

Miss Napolitano told us that the Obama Administration has no desire to interfere with Islamic customs, to violate Sharia Law, to insult the Holy Quran, or to inconvenience any Muslim passengers. They just want to prevent terror plots in order to save lives. A spokesman for C.A.I.R., Mohammed Sayid Al Fatah said he appreciated her efforts in those regards.

Breasts are checked for explosives

One area getting greater scrutiny under the new regulations is the potential threat of explosive devices being planted in female breasts. Ms. Napolitano has ordered thorough breast checks, and even offered to do some herself if the TSA needed help.

And this policy isn't being strictly limited to women either. Last week former Vice President Gore was subjected to a thorough breast exam, just to be on the safe side. 

"Normally, we don't check men's breasts for this," a TSA spokeswoman Gloria Watkins-Washington told us. "But Gore's breasts looked awfully big and suspicious, so it's better to be safe than sorry.

Sister Mary Elizabeth gets full pelvic body check

There has been some intelligence information suggesting that terrorists might be posing as Catholic nuns, so efforts in this area were stepped up too.

The long "burka-like" nun's habit could easily be used to conceal explosives or weapons. So they must be thoroughly screened to prevent a disaster.

Miss Napolitano tells us that every precaution is being taken, even including complete pelvic searches of nuns, as in the photo at the right illustrates.

There has been some controversy over the new full body scanners that Miss Napolitano ordered into use recently. Some people think they are humiliating and too invasive. And there is also some question about the safety of the machines themselves.

Janet Napolitano scanned

Miss Napolitano demonstrated how safe and easy the process is by going into a scanner herself.

"Sure, it's a little humiliating and embarrassing" she said, "but this is a necessary step in preventing terror attacks. It's a small price to pay for the peace of mind of knowing everyone has been thoroughly checked before getting onto an airplane."

"If we didn't take all these precautions and something bad happened then the President would look bad, and he'd have to invent some way to blame former President Bush for the terror attack. And that excuse is wearing thin lately," she said.