Sunday, October 31, 2010

Terror Plot Thwarted

Washington DC. Oct 31, 2010. When Tim Geitner got to work on preparing the 2011 Federal Budget (which was due over a month ago) he noticed that the Treasury Department was dangerously low on red toner needed for the project.

He ordered 12 red toner cartridges from the lowest cost vendor, Achmed's Toner For Less, a Federally certified minority vendor headquartered in Yemen. Achmed's is a well known and reliable vendor that is often used by this administration.

However, you can imagine his shock and surprise when Mr. Geitner heard that the shippment was being held by postal inspectors when a bomb sniffing dog began howling and pointing to the package at the DC Central Postal Depot.

And to further compound the problem two of the twelve packages had been redirected to various Synagogues in the Chicago area.

After analysis by the FBI Crime Lab, preliminary tests indicated the packages contained the powerful industrial explosive PETN, the same chemical used in the Christmas attack, U.S. officials said. The tests had not been confirmed.

President Barack Obama called the coordinated pre-election attacks a "credible terrorist threat," and U.S. officials said they were increasingly confident that al-Qaida's Yemen branch, the group responsible for the failed Detroit airliner bombing last Christmas, was responsible.

Mohammed Farouk Ridahl, spokesman for Achmed's Toner for Less told this reporter "We know nothing about this. Obviously these packages have been tampered with by Jews who are trying to make us look bad, and trying to make us lose a valuable customer. Achmed's has never had a problem like this before, so it seems very suspicious to us."

TOTUS Down For Maintenance! Vice TOTUS Takes Over!

Washington DC, Oct 31, 2010. The Teleprompter of the USA (TOTUS) is going down for routine maintenance work next Wednesday, immediately following the Congressional elections on Tuesday.

Since President Obama cannot communicate without the TOTUS, the Vice TOTUS has been sworn in to provide continuity of government.

The Vice TOTUS is a Mirror Image SP-220 Pro Speech Series Teleprompter with 20" LCD Monitor, that costs around $5,500. This model is known for reliability but has had problems with occasionally saying some very stupid things. 

Most people don't realize that it was the Vice TOTUS and not the TOTUS who prompted President Obama to make the claim that the USA "has 57 states."  That incident occurred during the 2008 election campaign, when the President Obama's primary teleprompter, also a Mirror Image SP-220, was taking a much deserved vacation.

The Vice TOTUS is an older model that he purchased from Joe Biden, that is known to have several known "lapse in judgement" bugs in it. In fact this was the machine that coined the "Finally, we have an African-American who is bright articulate and clean" statement that Joe Biden had to apologize for.


See if you can identify Michelle Obama in the photo below. This quiz is especially difficult because you cannot see their faces in the photo.
One of these three ladies is Michelle Obama, First Lady of the USA.
One of these three ladies is Princess Letizia of Spain,
And one is Carla Bruni, First Lady of France.

Which one is Michelle Obama? 

Democrats Throw Lavish Haloween Fundraiser Celebrating Anticipated Victory

Speaker Pelosi D-CA
Washington DC. Oct 31, 2010. All the Democrat Party stars turned out tonight for a gala fundraising costume ball celebrating their anticipated victory in Tuesday's congressional elections.

The Democrat leaders all came in costume for the event, and were surprisingly good spirits in light of recent poll numbers for the election.

moment when Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi realized they were both wearing the same costume, but tempers eased once and aide told Clinton that Pelosi had forgotten to get a costume for the event, and was just wearing her normal attire.
Rep Barney Frank D-MA
Sec. of State Clinton D-NY
President Obama D-Kenya
Senate Majority Leader Reid wore a very convincing Chewbaca costume, portraying a Star Wars character. Congressman Barney Frank came dressed as legendary singer Kate Smith, and even sang his own version of God Bless America to the delight of everyone in attendance.  
President Obama came wearing a "Joker" costume from the Batman comic book, television series, and films.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Barney Frank Introduces Bill for Gays In the Millinery

Frank modeling one of his designs
Boston MA Oct. 30, 2010. Congressman Barney Frank D-MA, has introduced a bill in the House of Representatives to permit gays in the millinery industry.

While there is no formal ban on allowing gay people to work in the hat making industry, Congressman Franks says this bill will be needed to encourage more gay people to enter this profession.

"I noticed that very few hat designers were gay" Congressman Frank told us. "And this seemed pretty queer to me, since almost 100% of all fashion designers are gay people, so I thought we needed new legislation to remedy this situation."

Frank's bill, H.R. 1411 would provide grant money from the Federal Stimulus Fund for any gay person who wanted to start a hat making business. "These will be interest free loans that will be forgiven once the business hires at least three other gay people." Frank told us. "This will accomplish two main goals. It will create new jobs while also getting more gay people into this vital industry."

Hats were always a big part of gay culture
A federal subsidy of $900 per hat should guarantee that these new businesses will be successful.  The bill caps total stimulus funds for the project at $1.2 Billion, which Frank calls "a small price to pay."

"It's really shocking when you see how many hats are imported," Frank went on to say. "This is one industry we need to bring back to America."

Congressman Frank's bill has the full backing of President Obama and House Speaker Pelosi and is expected to become law without any debate on the floor of the House. "We will introduce the bill at 9 AM on Sunday, when most Republican law makers are busy at church," Pelosi told the Spin Cycle.

CNN Launches "CNN Newshotties"

Atlanta GA, Oct. 30, 2010. After many years of taking a back seat to FoxNews, CNN is finally fighting back!

The Cable News Network (CNN) will launch their own version of Fox's News Babes starting Jan. 1, 2011. And they have recruited some of the heaviest hitters in TV news casting to fill out their bench.

CNN will load up on sexy and sultry news casting babes to tip the scales back in their favor.

The CNN NewsNewshotties will feature some very talented and popular media stars. The initial group will be comprised of Whoopi Goldberg, Lynne Stewart, Rosie O'Donnel,. Andrea Dworkin, Janet Nepalitano, Helen Thomas, Sonia Sotomayer and Janet Reno.

Negotiations are still underway to get Barbra Streisand and Chelsea Clinton for the new team, and "money is no object" according to CNN  Director of Programming Janelle Rodriguez. Superstar Chistianne Amanpour is scheduled to join the team in the early spring after she completes her current assignment.

It was no small feat coaxing leftwing media superstar Helen Thomas out of retirement for this gig.

Ms. Thomas, who is widely regarded as the most attractive liberal woman in the media today, will anchor the group, and draw in millions of new viewers.

CNN wanted to cover all the bases with this move, so they made sure they signed up Rosie O'Donnell to lure in lesbian, gay and transgender viewers.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Former Governor offers vote.... for a price!

"That's right.... money talks!

Chicago, IL, October 29, 2010. Rod Blagojevich, former Democrat Governor of Illinois has offered his vote in the upcoming Congressional Elections for a price.

"This will be a very close and a very important election, and if anyone wants my vote they can have it by winning it at my auction on ebay," the former Governor told us.

"Sure, I'm a liberal Democrat, but if the Republicans make the top bid... then they get my vote. This is just business after all. Nothing personal here."

The former Governor has the auction listed with a "buy it now" price of $1 million for his vote, but says he doesn't think anyone will go that high for his vote.

"I just put that out there in case one side or the other got desperate, but I do expect to get at lest five figures for my vote," he said. "If they want my vote, let them pay for it."

In this day and age when so many Democrats have abandoned Capitalism, it is refreshing to see that one Democrat still believes in the time tested value of having free and open markets.

Crunch time: Heavy Hitters Throw Support to Democrats

Reid and Pelosi with popular terrorist endorser
Washington DC. Oct 29, 2010. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid D-NV and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi D-CA presented a series of well respected celebrities to a joint session of Congress today who are endorsing the Democrats in next Tuesday's Congressional elections.

One by one they paraded out various actors, celebrities, and internationally known statesmen who all agree that America's best interest would be served if the Democrats retain super majorities in both houses of Congress.

"We have to do this when an election is this close" Majority Leader Reid said. "It's time to call in all the chips we are owed," Speaker Pelosi added.
Ed Asner, Political Savant
Among the dozens of endorsers present were show biz celebrities Ed Asner, Mike Farell, Cher, Julia Roberts, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, Barbara Streisand, Joy Behar, Harry Belafonte, and of course George Clooney.

The event was capped off by a performance by the Dixie Chicks who sang their new hit song "Only A Dope Wouldn't Vote for Hope."

Also present were various foreign dignitaries who fully support the current Democrat Administration and it's efforts to "take America down a notch."

Two more high spirited Democrat Party supporters
Among them were Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. 

"These are long time friends and political allies," Majority Leader Reid said. "We cherish their continued support and appreciate their endorsements. These are good people who know what's best for us," Speaker Pelosi added.

Also attending the gala event following the Special Session of Congress were representatives from the media. 

Dan Rather, former news anchor for CBS, told us "I have proof that Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter all  dodged the draft, and even if my proof is forged, I still stand by my story."

Thursday, October 28, 2010

POLL: Democrats Still Popular In Islamic World

Cairo Oct 28, 2010. Despite problems at home the Democrats are still wildly popular abroad. Al Jazerra, the Arabic language regional news broadcaster, is reporting spontaneous demonstrations of support for the Democrats breaking out all over the Middle East.

Moslems peacefully protest those who oppose Democrats
 Hamas, Al Qaeda and Hezbullah have all officially endorsed the Democrat Party in next week's Congressional elections in the USA. In their latest poll, 

Al Jazerra reports that over 91% of their viewers polled support the Democrat Party in the USA. 

However, only 44% said "Republicans should be put to death" which is a sure sign that the Islamic tradition of violence and brutality is waning in the region.

Some of the recent poll numbers have been discouraging for terrorists, and several spontaneous demonstrations in the support of Democrats have resulted.

Concerned citizens in Damascas Syria held a rally in support of House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid.  

Passions run high in this part of the world, and some  demonstrations have gotten out of hand, and a few instances of violence were noted.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Democrats Gear Up For Election

Senator Harry Reid D-NV salutes America
Searchlight, NV. Oct 27,2010. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is taking nothing for granted this time. We spoke to Reid while he's home on the campaign trail, working hard to keep his seat in the Senate. 

Reid is facing an especially difficult reelection race this time, because too many Nevada voters are aware of his record. 

"I blame those damn tea-baggers for that," a visibly shaken Reid emphasized.. 

"This election is the most important election of our lifetimes" Reid told us. 

"The future of America is at stake this time. Either we will go forward with the Democrat program of hope and change, or we will be dragged back to the dark ages of Republican racism and hate."

"Those tea baggers are nothing more than a modern day KKK, and when we win this election we will pass laws outlawing their style of disruptive speech that incites people to demand lower taxes."

The Democrats feel the stakes are too high this time to coast to victory. They need to work hard to keep the "Obama Momentum Going." 

Senator Reid reminded us that... "There are still lots of industries that aren't socialized yet. Our work isn't finished. We were just getting started digging America out of the mess President Bush put us in."

"This time we are pulling out all stops" Reid told us, as he went on to outline the innovative ten point plan the Democrats will be using next week to "Frankenize" the election:
  1. SEIU voting machine technicians to make sure everything is on the up and up
  2. Free food for voters if they vote Democrat
  3. A wall to wall media blitz by major networks shilling for us
  4. Union Members getting gift cards if their shop steward verifies they voted right
  5. Free cigarettes and lottery tickets for minority voters who see things our way
  6. Free gas cards for voters who vote for more hope and change
  7. Absenttee Ballot Frauds so the good voters can vote twice
  8. Disqualifying Military Voters. If they had any brains they wouldn't be in the Army.
  9. Black Panther Poll Watchers to keep the Teabaggers honest!
  10. Count every vote! Even for dead people, convicted felons and illegal aliens
Missing ballot boxes being prepared
In additon, over 12,000 "extra" ballot boxes crammed full of straight party Democrat ballots are being prepared for use if needed in close races.

These ballot boxes will miraculously be "found" in any race where the Democrat loses by less than a 3% margin. 

This technique worked extremely well in the 2008 Franken election, hence the popular phrase among DC insiders "to Frankenize an election."

And if that wasn't enough, ACORN has been hired by the Federal Government to help make sure that there are no surprises next Tuesday.

House Democrats Unveil New Plan to Balance Budget

Washington DC, Oct 27, 2010. Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi D-CA, will be announcing a new plan to balance the Federal budget. "We will introduce the "Let's Get Prices Up Act of 2010" designed to encourage more inflation, which will help balance the budget by boosting Federal sales and excise tax collections." Pelosi said.

This ingenious plan has quietly been in effect for the past four years, ever since the Democrats took control of Congress following the 2006 Congressional elections. But Speaker Pelosi wants to leverage her accomplishments by codifying it into law.

"Look how well our plan for inflation has worked so far," Pelosi said. "When I became Speaker gasoline was $1.21 a gallon. Today it's $2.85 per gallon. That extra $1.64 all gets taxed and the money helps your government pay their bills."

"One pack of Newports, please"
Ms. Pelosi cited several other examples of how well the Democrat plan for higher prices has worked so far. "Take cigarettes for example," she continued "Thanks to us Democrats, we've got them up to around $10 a pack in many states.

And around $8.32 of that is pure tax, which goes directly to the bottom line of fiscal responsibility."

But the Democrat plan doesn't just stop at luxury items like cigarettes, lottery tickets, and beer, it also covers the more important category of essentials purchases like food, electricity and cable TV, and cell phones.

"Has anyone noticed how we have quietly ratcheted up the price of groceries?" Pelosi added. "Before 2007 you could buy a loaf of bread for $0.79. Today.... two, three bucks, something like that. I'm not certain of the exact price because I get to eat for free, but the point is, higher prices mean higher sales taxes. So everyone wins!"

"I think the whole problem we Democrats have is that we often fail to publicize our accomplishments," the Speaker emphasized. 

"We need to get the word out to the voters about all the positive things we do to increase government revenue and which provides desperately needed funds for vital government programs like aid for Hamas and funding for ACORN," Ms. Pelosi added.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

ACLU Files Suit to Protect Terrorist Rights

NYC Oct 26, 2010. The ACLU. the longstanding defenders of the American Constitution, had assumed that the election of Barack Hussein Obama, himself a Moslem and terrorist sympathizer, would finally end the government sanctioned harassment of Islamic Terrorists living and working in the USA.

But this was not to be the case, as President Obama continued the Bush Administrations practice of illegally wiretapping terrorists and has continued to illegally detain suspected terrorist prisoners at Camp X-Ray at the Guantanamo Marine base in Cuba.

Nathan Greenbaum, counsel for the ACLU filed suit today in federal district court to force President Obama to cease and desist these illegal practices. "This is a very painful step for us," Greeenbaum said, "since we supported this President 100% and did everything possible to get him elected. We even filed many frivolous lawsuits in his behalf, and supported his sending the Black Panthers to Philedelphia to harass white voters."
Harmless Moslems emailing friends in Yemen
"But this can no longer be tolerated. Many innocent Islamic Terrorists are being harassed by this President when they are merely planning terrorist strikes. 

In not one case was an actual act of terrorism carried out. This was just all talk, and as such is protected by the First Amendment to our Constitution. 

This is a sacred document that must always be respected an honored, except in the case of the Second Amendment, which was obviously a mistake by the Founding Fathers," Greenbaum concluded.

Greenbaum speculates that President Obama has reneged on his campaign pledge to "end wireless wiretapping" and to "close Camp X-Ray" due to political pressure from extreme rightwingers and because he wrongly thinks these actions will help him win reelection in 2012.

Unhappy with new teeth
Then there is the issue of Camp X-Ray at the Guantanamo base, in which "terrorist suspects" are being held under harsh and extreme conditions. They are prohibited from keeping goats in their rooms, are only given a choice of four herbal teas.

One Al Queda member, Mohammed Al Faisal told this reporter "Look at how they fixed my teeth. These are not porcelain caps. They are the cheap kind made of acrylic. This is an insult to Allah, and Obama must be held accountable for this."

"We really expected better treatment from a fellow Moslem" Al Faisal said. "Surely they did not teach him this at that Madrass School in Indonesia. Allah will punish Obama for this."

Monday, October 25, 2010

Strong Recovery in Progress!

Washington DC, Oct 25, 2010. The White House announced today that the September unemployment numbers confirm that a strong economic recovery is in full swing.

Robert Gibbs, President Obama's Press Secretary, told reporters today "We have some really wonderful news about September unemployment statistics.

While we did lose 95,000 more jobs due to the residual effects of the Bush Administration, President Obama skillfully saved another 5,000,000 jobs last month. thus creating a net gain of 4,005,000 jobs!"

Numbers like this are proof that President Obama's "Vacation A Lot to Stimulate The Economy" plan is working exactly as intended. "This months lavish vacation to India should save another 10,000,000 jobs" Gates went on to say.

Democrat leaders are hoping that strong economic results like these will propel their party to victory in next week's election.

CNBC Senior Political Analyst Chris Mathews told this reporter "This is really wonderful news. My leg is tingling again. The Obama Magic is back!"