Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rich liberals raise taxes on Poor. For their own good.

Four of the richest men in America, all liberal Democrats, are endorsing the Obama plan to raise taxes on cigarettes and beer.
$54 Billion

Dec. 30, 2010. President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, has proposed broad tax increases on unhealthy items consumed by poor people. If Congress passes these initiatives poor people can expect huge tax hikes on tobacco products, alcohol, snack foods, and other unhealthy products routinely consumed by those living below the poverty level.

"By increasing the prices of these things we can curb consumption, and thereby improve the health of poor people in America" he told us via phone from his resort hotel in Hawaii. "And if they live longer, they will enjoy receiving more entitlements from the government."

$18 Billion
Bill Gates, spokesman for the new group "Billionaires For Obama" echoed the President's thoughts: "We support higher taxes across the board for both the poor and the middle class." 

"You can even raise our taxes if you want, because we don't pay any taxes anyway. We hire smart Jewish lawyers and accountants so we can legally evade paying taxes."

Gates went on to explain that "We didn't get rich by handing all our money over to the government. That's something only fools and Republicans do."

$45 Billion
Michael Bloomberg, another member of the group added, "Poor people need to stop drinking and smoking. So they can enjoy welfare life longer. Raising their taxes just helps these people quit their bad habits and start living a healthier lifestyle."

Warren Buffett added, "This is especially important since President Obama has created so many more poor people in America. And thanks to the Obama economic policies, much of the middle class will soon be joining this group in poverty."

Mr. Buffett emphasized that "President Obama has really done a spectacular job of destroying the middle class. If unemployment trends continue for a few more months, there will be more people in poverty, and these are always the easiest people for us to control."

$14.2 Billion
Wall Street financial wizard George Soros pointed out the financial opportunity these new taxes will bring to poor people. 

"The poor should do like am doing and invest a few hundred million in shorting tobacco and alcohol stocks. If they play their cards right, they won't be poor for very long."

"This is really a wonderful thing President Obama is doing for America. With any luck we should have 200 million poor people by the end of President Obama's first term."

Mr. Soros said he is willing to spend "whatever it takes" to get President Obama reelected in 2012.

Bloomberg Announces Switch Back to Democrat Party

NYC, Dec 30, 2010.  Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that he is switching back to the Democrat Party after posing as a Republican for almost ten years.

A lifelong Democrat before seeking elective office, Bloomberg switched his registration in 2001 and ran for mayor as a Republican, winning the election that year and a second term in 2005.

Bloomberg switched parties when he failed to win the Democrat Primary race, and noticed that the GOP wasn't planning to run their own candidate in the city dominated by Democrat voters.

"Back then, it made perfect sense to switch parties. But today I'm getting a lot of heat from the media for doing such a poor job with snow removal following last week's blizzard," he told us. "If I was still a Democrat, then the media wouldn't dare criticize me. So I'm switching back!"
Mayor's limo stuck in snow
Mayor Bloomberg told us that he too was upset about the poor job he did removing snow this winter. "Heck, my own limo was stuck for two days... right outside my mansion!"

This was a major inconvenience for him. "We had to send out for meals from five star restaurants. We were virtually trapped inside our own mansion."

Bloomberg is the tenth richest man in America, and was a strong advocate for term limits until he finished his second term and wanted a third.

Then he worked hard to overturn the rule he wanted for everyone else, so he could run for a third term.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Man Wearing Hillary Mask Robs Bank

Sterling VA, Dec 29, 2010. An armed robber wearing a Hillary Clinton mask robbed a Sterling Virgina bank on Dec. 27.

The man walked into the Wachovia bank in Community Plaza about 9:14 a.m., approached a teller, brandished a firearm and demanded cash, according to Loudoun County sheriff’s office reports.

The robber then fled the bank in an unknown direction with an undisclosed amount of cash.

The bank did not report the robbery for two full days, bank manager Thomas L. Williams told us "because we thought it was the real Hillary Clinton. And just assumed she needed some cash."

Sterling Virginia is located in a heavily Democrat part of the Northern Virginia near DC, and the bank manager and employees were reluctant to notify the police about any crime committed by a Clinton. "We just assume the Clintons have a right to steal" Williams told us.

"It was pretty common back during the Clinton years, for Bill or Hillary Clinton to drop by any time they needed some cash. So we didn't think anything of it," Assistant Manager Evelyn Collins said.

"The Clintons never bothered with any checks or paperwork, they just helped themselves to the cash drawer, so we were used to it. I suppose we should have suspected something was wrong when Hillary had a gun. She never did that before."

But this time it wasn't a real Clinton, just another criminal wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.

Authorities are asking anyone who was in the area of the Community Plaza or the Towncenter Plaza at Route 7 and Dranesville Road between 8:30 a.m. and 9:30 a.m. on Dec. 27 and saw anything suspicious to contact  the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office Criminal Investigations Division at 703-777-0475.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Global Warming Strikes Again!

NYC Dec 27, 2010.  Thousands of travelers trying to get home after the holiday weekend sat bored and bleary-eyed in airports and shivered aboard stuck buses and subways Monday, stranded by a blizzard that slammed the Northeast with more than two feet of show.

"People are exhausted. They want to get home," sighed Eric Schorr, marooned at New York's JFK Internationa since Sunday afternoon by the storm, which worked its way up the coast from the Carolinas to Maine with winds up to 80 mph that whirled the snow into deep drifts across streets, railroad tracks and runways.

Snowfall totals included a foot in Tidewater, Va., and Philadelphia, 29 inches in parts of northern New Jersey, 2 feet north of New York City, and more than 18 inches in Boston.

"I tried to warn you"
Famous Nobel Prize winner Al Gore Jr. tells us that this blizzard was caused by global warming.  "These catastrophic climate change events could be totally avoided if you folks had bought my carbon credits," he said.

Gore pointed out that many of the recent weather calamities were caused by global warming, including:

2004 - Indonesian tsunami
2005 - Hurricane Katrina hits New Orleans
2006 - Killer tornadoes across the USA
2007 - Record drought in the Southeast
2008 - Cyclones in Asia killed thousands
2009 - Dust storms in Australia

"It's all due to carbon emissions in the atmosphere cause by our addiction to fossil fuels."

The storm closed all three of the New York metropolitan area's airports Sunday and stymied most other means of transportation. Buses sputtered to a halt in snow drifts. Trains stopped in their tracks. Taxi drivers abandoned their cabs in the middle of New York's snow-clogged streets.

Even the New York City subway system, which are  usually dependable during a snowstorm, broke down in spots, trapping riders for hours.

President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, interrupted his Hawaiian vacation to add his support for Gore's Carbon Credit scam.

"We need to buy more carbon credits to prevent these problems. And I plan to print more money to buy some from Goldman Sachs," he said.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

President Sends Holiday Greetings from Hawaii

Honolulu, Dec. 25, 2010. President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, sent his holiday best wishes out to all Americans from his luxury suite at the luxury Kailua Bay resort.

"Michelle and I send our best wishes out to everyone during this Winter Holiday season," he told us. "It is important that we all remember what this season is all about... by celebrating golf, good times, and the joy of presidential benefits."

First lady Michelle Obama, daughters Malia and Sasha, and first dog Bo arrived Saturday evening on Oahu, the island that contains the state's largest city.

Last year, delayed by deliberations on the health care reform bill, the family didn't get to Hawaii until Christmas Eve. This will be their third consecutive holiday visit to Kailua.

The Secret Service began alerting residents of spacious homes along Kailuana Place last week that checkpoints will soon go up. Hawaiian Telecom personnel were busily repairing telephone wiring outside one of the Obama homes, which sit midway down a cul-de-sac.

President Obama plans to make a thorough search for his missing birth certificate during this year's Christmas vacation in Hawaii. "I know I left it here someplace," he said. "My grandmother was always losing important papers. Hopefully, I can find it this year. If I can't, then I pledge to keep coming back here every Christmas until I do."

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

North Korea Launches Fax War

Pyongyang, Dec 22, 2010. North Korea has launched a "Fax War" against South Korea, by faxing propaganda material to a large number of South Korean organizations and businesses.

These faxes shift the blame for its artillery attack on Yeonpyeong Island to the South Korean and U.S. governments in an attempt to foster conflict between conservatives and progressives in South Korea.

Elite North Korean Fax Operations Team
Pyongyang dispatched the propaganda fax from China to some 80 South Korean religious and social organizations and businesses, according to a Unification Ministry official.

The North Koreans are hoping to tie up enough South Korean fax machines that it would cripple the South Korean economy.

The fax repeats a claim that the South Korean government used the island's residents as "human shields." The South "attempted to avert our retaliatory strikes by mixing military facilities with residential villages and by drawing civilians into the military base and holding them hostage," it claims.

The fax threatens, "If a war breaks out, the South Korean people will suffer the most." 

North Korea is using their newest and most powerful high tech fax machine, the Kim Jong Fax Pro Model 9 in this effort. The Model 9 is capable of sending over three faxes per hour, and only requires a nine man crew to operate.

Modern North Korean Fax Machine
North Korea mounted a similar propaganda after torpedoing the Navy corvette Cheonan and prior to and following the local and by-elections as well.

Pyongyang dispatched some 40 faxes denying the findings of an international investigation of the Cheonan sinking and some 70 calling for a defeat of the government and the ruling party in the June 2 elections.

A critical shortage of thermal fax paper could derail the North Korean offensive.

U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, has pledged to supply North Korea with thermal fax paper in exchange for their promise to abandon their nuclear bomb construction project.

Russians Celebrate Huge Victory as Senate Ratifies START Treaty 71-26.

Russian troops celebrate huge victory
Washington DC, Dec 22, 2010.  The New START treaty with Russia was ratified by the Senate Wednesday in a 71-26 vote, handing President Barack Obama, D-Kenya, a victory on one of his top priorities in the lame-duck session of Congress.

Vice President Joe Biden presided over the Senate during the final vote. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was also on the Senate floor during the vote.

Under the terms of the treaty, which will last for 10 years and was signed by Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev back on April 8, the number of US and Russian warheads would be cut by a third and on-site inspections of nuclear weapons facilities will resume after a one-year suspension.

The new START treaty will result in making Russia the world’s most dominant nuclear power because it limits future U.S. missile defense options. Even the Russians know this and have publicly stated it, but President Obama denies it.

Former KGB Director pulled a fast one
The treaty also allows Russia the ability to reduce its stockpile of aging nuclear weapons and upgrade them with strategic and tactical nukes. Meanwhile, Obama has already promised not to replace or modernize the U.S. arsenal.

Russia’s 10,000-plus tactical nuclear weapons (a 10-to-one advantage over NATO) are not covered by the treaty. Under New START, the U.S. cuts more weapons and launchers than Russia.

Indeed, it allows Moscow to build more launchers. Bottom line: The treaty assures that Russia will one day have a qualitative and quantitative advantage over the U.S.

Making Russia a more dominant nuclear power is an all-around bad strategy because it empowers a nation that routinely invades its neighbors, is hostile to democracy even within its own borders, and is famous for helping rogue nations like Iran develop nuclear weapons.

"My Useful Idiot"
Even more worrisome is the dismantling of President Ronald Reagan’s “trust but verify” strategy which required the U.S. to be sure the Russians were conforming to the treaty.

Perhaps most troubling of all is the treaty’s inadequate response to the fact that Osama Bin Laden and other terrorist groups consider the acquisition of tactical nuclear weapons “a sacred goal.”

New START does nothing to address Russia’s tactical nuclear weapons or the danger of nuclear terrorism.

This treaty demonstrates this administration’s failure to keep its eye on the nuclear ball. Conservatives opposed the treaty not because they are ‘partisan’ (as the White House routinely claims) but because they see the treaty as useless in limiting proliferation, detrimental to missile defense, and counter to the purpose of defense treaties, defending and protecting America from her enemies.

Fifty-six Democratic senators and two independents voted in support of the treaty.

They were joined by 13 Republicans:

Lamar Alexander, TN
Robert Bennett, UT
Scott Brown, MA
Thad Cochran, MS
Susan Collins, ME
Bob Corker, TN
Judd Gregg, NH
Johnny Isakson, GA
Mike Johanns, NE
Richard Lugar, IN
Lisa Murkowski, AK
Olympia Snowe, ME
George Voinovich, OH

It is a good idea to remember those names the next time you enter a voting booth.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Katie Couric Expecting Big Pay Cut

NYC, Dec 21, 2010. CBS began preliminary talks on a new contract for Katie Couric, looking to cut the evening news anchor’s $15 million salary due to her falling viewership.

Both sides recognize Couric’s salary must be reduced in order for her to remain at CBS. This season, the “CBS Evening News With Katie Couric” is averaging 5.73 million viewers a night, according to Nielsen Co. data, behind NBC and ABC, and down 24 percent from when she took over in 2006.

During Couric’s four-plus years in the anchor chair, the audience for CBS’s nightly newscast has declined faster than at rival telecasts, according to Nielsen data.

NBC’s newscast is averaging 8.59 million viewers a night in the current TV season, down 5 percent from four years ago, while second-place ABC is averaging 7.47 million, down 12 percent. And Katie is down 24 percent over the same time period.

$15 million per year sounds like a lot of money to most people, but TV hosts generally earn a lot more than that.

FoxNews's Bill O'Reilly earns approximately $20 million per year. Sean Hannity is reported to earn $25 million per year, and Glen Beck reportedly earns $32 million per year, from his TV program, radio show, and book sales, and Rush Limbaugh is estimated to earn over $60 million per year. His radio contract with Clear Chanel alone pays him $50 million a year for 8 years!

The good news for Katie Couric is that even with a big salary cut, she will still out earn Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow. Combined.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Clock is Ticking on the 111th Congress

Washington DC. Dec 20, 2010. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, is rushing through last minute legislation before she loses her post, and her super-majority, on Jan. 3, 2011.

"We have to make hay while the sun shines," she told us.

"We only have a few days left before the Republicans take control and start repealing some of laws we have passed."

"We know they will roll some of this stuff back, but they can't repeal all of it. Some of it will stick," she gleefully said.

Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, have accomplished quite a bit in the last few weeks. Among their notable accomplishments:
  • The START Treaty seems like a sure thing now. This treaty will give the Russians exactly what they want since it prevents us from initiating an anti missile defense system.The treaty is supported by the Russians, 100% of the Democrats, and a handful of liberal Republicans.
  • The Food Safety and Modernization Act was passed last Sunday. This law gives our government complete control of our food supply, and also grants blanket authority for federal agencies to impose international guidelines and standards on domestic food producers, so they can harmonize all American food production in line with the globalist Codex.
  • The Repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy was passed despite vigorous objections from our military leaders. The new policy will be to allow homosexual military personnel to openly engage in expressions of their sexual preference.
  • The Food Nutrition Act ("Hunger Free Kids Act") was passed. and this is the bill that will enforce First Lady Michelle Obama's school salad bar policy.
  • The Tax Compromise Package was passed, and included a huge increase for ethanol subsidies, and a 13 month extension of unemployment benefits that will extend benefits to over three full years,
  • The Net Neutrality Act was passed, and contrary to how it sounds, it has nothing to do with neutrality. It is designed to give the government complete control over the internet. The bill was supported by industry giants like Ebay, Amazon, Vonage, Microsoft and Yahoo.
  • The DREAM Act passed Pelosi's House, but will likely fail in the Senate. This law will provide a way for illegal aliens to achieve legal residency status if they arrived here as minors and have completed two years of higher education or military service.
Speaker Pelosi is confident that most of these laws will withstand repeal efforts.

"It's a lot easier to pass a law than to repeal one" she said. "Which is why we have to get a lot done before the curtain falls on the 111th Congress and my super-majority" she said.

"These are but a few small steps towards imposing national socialism on America," she added. "Hopefully we can finish the job when we win back our majority in 2012."

WikiLeaks Hoax Revealed!

Beverly Hills, Dec 20, 2010. The Spin Cycle has reliable proof that the entire "WikiLeaks" story last month was a hoax, created by actor and comedian Bill Maher.

This information came from Coco Johnsen, Maher's former girlfriend, who sued him for breach of promise and lost.

Miss Johnsen was probably seeking some sort of revenge by revealing the hoax, but the evidence she provided was irrefutable, and included thousands of documents that have been authenticated by our experts.

Faced with the evidence, Mr. Maher came clean.  "There is no Julian Assange" Mr. Maher told us. "I played that part myself, and I also paid two Swedish hookers to sue me for rape too. It was all supposed to be a goof, but it got out of hand. People really believed it."

Coco reveals half her assets
Mr. Maher admitted that all those State Department cables were also faked. "Hillary Clinton never suggested we should spy on the UN. I just made that stuff up," Maher told us.

Similarly, all the cables calling French President Nicolas Sarkozy "arrogant" and Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi "feckless" were also faked.

"I just wanted to stir things up a bit," Maher told us, "as a joke."

We asked Maher how he managed to fake 250,000 cables in such a short time, since it seemed like such a monumental task. "I had a bunch of European hippies helping me. They were volunteers, and they were all hard workers," he said.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

President Finally Keeps Campaign Promise

"Maybe they can hit the terrorists with their purses?"
Washington DC, Dec 18, 2010. The Senate voted today to repeal the ban on gays in the military, marking a major victory for the gay rights movement.

The bill now goes to the President, who plans to sign it into law, overturning what gay rights activists said was a discriminatory policy that ended the careers of gay members of the military.

The 65-31 Senate vote marked a major victory for the gay-rights movement and handed President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, a much needed political win. This bill will bring an end to Bill Clinton's 17-year old "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

This event marks the only campaign promise kept by President Obama after two full years in office. There is still some hope that he might keep a few more of his promises, but based on his results so far it doesn't seem likely.  Specifically, here is an update on President Obama's campaign promises:

'Legalize Gays in the military"....................................KEPT
"Socialize healthcare"...............................................KEPT, but declared unconstitutional
"Repeal Bush tax cuts".............................................................BROKEN
"End income tax for seniors making less than $50,000"...............BROKEN
"End no bid contracts over $25,000"...........................................BROKEN
"Enforce Pay-As-You-Go Budget rules"......................................BROKEN
"A tax cut for 95% of you".........................................................BROKEN
"Forbid companies in bankruptcy from giving bonuses"................BROKEN
"Cap Executive pay".................................................................BROKEN
"Allow imported prescription drugs"............................................BROKEN
"Close Guantanamo Bay Detention Center"................................BROKEN
"Post all bills on the internet for 5 days before voting"..................BROKEN
"End warrant-less wiretapping of terror suspects"........................BROKEN
"Double the Peace Corps"........................................................BROKEN 
"Require disclosure and waiting period for earmarks"...................BROKEN
"Make White House communications public"..............................BROKEN
"End revolving door for lobbyists"...............................................BROKEN
"Double funding for after-school programs"..................................BROKEN
"Create scholarship to recruit new teachers"...............................BROKEN
"Crack down on employers who hire illegal aliens".......................BROKEN
"Repeal the Defense of Marriage Act".........................................BROKEN
"Allow bankruptcy courts to modify mortgage terms"...................BROKEN
"Increase the minimum wage to $9.50 per hour"..........................BROKEN
"Support mission to moon by 2020"...........................................BROKEN
"Give annual State of the World Address"..................................BROKEN
"Reduce earmarks to 1994 levels".............................................BROKEN
"Release oil from strategic oil reserve".......................................BROKEN
"Lift ban on domestic drilling"....................................................BROKEN  
"No tax increase for those earning less than $250,000"................BROKEN 
"Convert White House fleet to electric vehicles"..........................BROKEN
"Stop al Qaida prison recruitment".............................................BROKEN
"End subsidies for Agri-Business".............................................BROKEN 

This is just a partial list, but you probably get the idea that very few of President Obama's campaign promises have been kept. 

However, despite this President Obama has achieved a lot of things he never promised to do. Things  like doubling our unemployment rate, adding $5 trillion to the national debt, setting new records for Americans living below the poverty level and Americans on food stamps, and driving up the cost of gasoline by over $1 per gallon since he took office.

President Obama also achieved a greater loss of our troops in Afghanistan during his two years in office than President Bush had in his eight years.

Had he actually made those promises, odds are he never would have been elected. 

Friday, December 17, 2010

Obama Recovery Continues with Over 40 Million Americans Now Getting Food Stamps

Washington DC, Dec 17, 2010. As President Barack Hussein Obama's, D-Kenya, "recovery summer" moves into his "recovery winter" the number of Americans needing food stamps has skyrocketed to new records.

In the latest USDA statistical reports released this month, over 40 million Americans are now depending on food stamps.  This is an increase of around 12 million people from from early 2009 when President Obama took over and began his recovery plan.

It seems the "jobless recovery" may also be a "foodless recovery" for 12 million more citizens.

In 2008 there were 28.2 million Americans receiving an average benefit of $102 per month for a total cost of $37.6 billion.

Currently in 2010 there are 40.3 million Americans receiving an average benefit of $134 per month for a total cost of $68.2 billion

The $30 billion increase has made the program a target for cost cutting to fund other Obama initiatives.  Nutrition professor Dr. Marion Nestle told  

"Pretty obviously, this is a sign that the economy is still in bad shape, especially at the lower income ends. Wall Street may still be giving bonuses, but more and more Americans don't have places to live or food to eat"

Nestle added that funding for this level of food stamp use could prove unsustainable in the current economy. "Some funding has already been cannibalized to fund the Child Nutrition Reauthorization," she said. "The more expensive it gets, the more the program will be a target for lawmakers looking for moveable cash." 

With an estimated one-eighth of the population  (and as much as one-fifth in some states) on food stamps each month, and no improvement to the economy in sight, it seems like there is plenty to worry about.

President Obama would not directly comment on this saying: "This is really over my pay grade. Michelle and I are busy packing for our Hawaiian vacation now, so you might want to ask ex-President Clinton about it. I'm sure he can do a better job explaining it."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Obamacare Death Panel Curbs Costs

Washington DC. Dec 16, 2010,  The FDA on Thursday moved toward revoking approval of the cancer drug Avastin as a treatment for breast cancer, drawing criticism for limiting treatment options for desperately ill women.

Janet Woodcock, head of the FDA's drug-approval office, told reporters that four studies indicated that Avastin did not prolong life. "None of the trials showed an improvement in overall survival,"

"Plus this drug is very expensive. We simply cannot afford to keep a handful of women alive at the expense of the other 39 million people we recently gave free healthcare to."

Avastin is the world's best-selling cancer drug, and is a standard treatment for colon, brain, lung and kidney cancer, but has not been proven to be completely effective in treating breast cancer.

The recommendation was made in the wake of passage of the healthcare overhaul and was seized upon by opponents of the new law as evidence of a step toward rationing healthcare.

One of those opponents, Sen. David Vitter, R-LA, noted that if the FDA removed its approval, Avastin, which costs thousands of dollars per month, would only be available through so-called "off-label" prescribing and thus not covered by most insurance.

Vitter on Thursday urged the FDA to reverse course and declared in a press release that the agency "has chosen to place itself between patients and their doctors by rationing access to a life-extending drug."

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Napolitano Launces New iPhone Application

Washington DC, Dec 14, 2010. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano today released a new iPhone application that is designed to help children inform on their parents, their teachers and on other children.

The new iPhone App with the misleading name ‘PatriotApp’ attempts to draw on the power of the patriot movement, turning smartphone users into a gigantic snitch network.

This app allows children to report any ‘suspicious’ behavior, including political extremism, hate speech, and even their obese friends directly to top government agencies.

Much like the new DHS program ‘If you see something, say something’ this app is meant to turn children  and average citizens into a network of spies feeding information back to the federal government.

The application was tested on various Obama Youth Groups early this year, and will be soon available for free downloads at the DHS website. President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, praised this as "an important step in protecting America from terrorism and extremism."

"This new application will speed up our response to terror threats and any other anti-social behavior" Secretary Napolitano told us. "Currently we only have nine threats listed, but we have plans to add many more, including "eating trans-fats, wearing fur, and using tobacco products."

First Lady Michelle Obama Calls Childhood Obesity a "National Security Threat"

The trim First Lady Michelle Obama
Washington DC, Dec 14, 2010. At yesterday's signing of the Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010, first Lady Michelle Obama called obese children "national security threat."

The act, which was signed today, December 13, 2010, by President Obama, D-Kenya, will increase access of low-income children to healthy food and nutrition education, many of whom rely on free or low-cost subsidized programs through their schools.

The goal of the bill is to mandate healthier foods for school lunch programs, and most low income children eat three meals a day at school, despite their parents getting food stamps.

After the bill signing, the First Lady read her prepared remarks in which she said that the nation is seeing “a groundswell of support” for curbing childhood obesity, and that military leaders tell her that more than one in four young people are unqualified for military service because of their weight,”

Mrs. Obama concluded that “childhood obesity isn’t just a public health threat, it’s not just an economic threat, it’s a national security threat as well.”

These remarks are consistent with President Obama calling the Tea Party Movement "terrorists", calling FoxNews "the most serious danger the nation faces today" and calling the Republican Party "hostage takers." Somewhere, way down the list, the Obamas are probably concerned about Islamic terrorists too, but right now fat children and and political dissent are the issues that concern them the most.

Typical 4th grader enjoying an unhealthy snack
Recently, the First Lady proposed that school cafeterias offer salad bars, to entice children into eating healthier foods.

"Children should be eating more nutritious foods, like endives, radicchio, arugula, and chard, rather than eating pizza and hamburgers," she told us.

"Our own children, Sasha and Malia, just love eating a mixed salad of kale, dandelion, and Chinese cabbage."

Monday, December 13, 2010

Disney Studios Create Lifelike Teddy Kennedy

Lifelike Teddy Kennedy
Washington DC, Dec 13, 2010. A lifelike Audio-Animatronics figure of Teddy Kennedy was delivered to the White House today by the Walt Disney Company.

President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, commissioned the project after he realized how much better former President Clinton was at holding press conferences.

"To tell you the truth," President Obama said, "Clinton was spectacular the other day, but I just can't trust him. I just know he has a secret agenda to elect Hillary in 2012. And Teddy Kennedy was a great public speaker, so I figured he would be the ideal guy to cover me in future speaking engagements."

President Obama put in a rush order to Disney Studios to create a robotic version of Teddy Kennedy to fill in for him at speaking events, and the Disney people had it ready in just two days.

Roger Iger, CEO of the Disney Company told us "This was an easy job for us. We had built a Teddy robot back in 1980 when he was running for President, for our Hall of Presidents exhibit. But the project got shelved when he lost the primary race to Jimmy Carter."

"So it was a simple matter to dig the old Teddy robot out of storage, and just add an older head to it. We also had to add around 60 pounds, but it ended up looking pretty good."

CEO Roger Iger posing with COO Michael Mouse
Roger Iger added,  "the Kennedy robot looks better than Teddy Kennedy did when he was alive. We went to a lot of trouble to make his nose less red, and  we made him look more alert and aware of his surroundings than Kennedy ever has been in the last 35 years."

President Obama is confident that the new robotic Kennedy can do a much better job of speaking to the press without using a teleprompter than he can.

The $4.6 million robot was funded by a grant from the Economic Stimulus Package.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Democrats Set Record Wasting Stimulus Funds

Washington DC, Dec 12, 2010. The USA had its 26th straight monthly budget deficit in November while  our legislators were feuding over a package that would extend big tax cuts to Americans trying to recover from recession.

Our government spent $150.4 billion  more than it collected in the month. Not too long ago, deficit numbers like "$150 billion" were annual figures, not monthly ones.

President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, says he expects the deficit to top $1 trillion in this fiscal year. However, most financial analysts predict that this year's deficit will top $1.5 trillion. This would be on top of the $1.416 trillion deficit President Obama racked up last year, in an effort to stimulate the economy.

However, despite the best intentions of the free spending Democrats, the stimulus plan hasn't worked. Virtually all economic indicators tells us that this effort has failed miserably. There were no "shovel ready jobs" created, as promised, and unemployment has actually gone higher due to President Obama's economic initiatives.

Part of the problem may be in how the money was spent. If we had had a $1.416 trillion tax cut, rather than a $1.416 aimless spending spree, the odds are we would be at full employment right now. Historically, tax cuts have always generated job growth and actually increased government revenue due to greater economic activity.

But the money was spent in ways designed to reward Obama's political allies, rather than to create jobs for the American people. Almost as if "spending as much as possible" was the goal, rather than any real effort to create jobs.

Here is just a partial list of some of the more outrageous spending:

* $4.19 billion for "neighborhood stabilization activities" (ACORN)
* $900 million to Hamas in Gaza, to help buy medical and military equipment.
* $54 million to Connecticut’s politically-connected Mohegan Indian tribe
* $22.3 million in stimulus money to weatherize homes for poor families in Houston.
* $9.1 million spend on road signs promoting the "Obama Stimulus Plan"
$3.4 million  to help turtles cross a highway in Tallahassee, Florida.
* $1.9 million for California scientists to “capture, photograph, and analyze” ants.
* $1.8 million to Ames Iowa for a study of swine excrement.
* $1.2 million for research how elderly people react to playing video games.
* $1.15 million for the installation of a new guard rail around the non-existent lake.
* $1 million on a dinner cruise company in Chicago to combat terrorism.
* $823,200 to UCLA to teach uncircumcised African men how to wash their genitals.
* $712,883 to build a machine that tells jokes.
* $578,000 for Union NY, for a "homeless problem" they say they don't have.
$498,000 for a Duke University professor of computer science to study Facebook.
* $389,000 to pay residents of Buffalo to record how much they drink and smoke.
* $443,000 to study beavers in Massachusetts.
* $325,394  to study the mating decisions of cactus bugs
* $298,543 to predict the weather on other planets.
$294,958 on a program to reduce menopausal hot flashes with yoga classes.
* $219,000 for a study that examines the sex patterns of college women.
* $233,000 to the University of California at San Diego to study why Africans vote.
* $200,000 for a tattoo removal program in Mission Hills, California
$180,935 to discover a better method for freezing rat sperm.
$144,541 for Wake Forest University to give monkeys cocaine to see what happens.
* $112,437 for 3 high school and 3 college students to study "drinking alcohol."
* $100,000 for socially conscious puppet shows inspired by Che Guvera.
* $100,000 for a martini bar and a brazilian steakhouse.
* $15,551 for researchers to study how alcohol affects a mouse’s motor functions.

All of this money being spent is money we don't have. Money that we must either borrow from China to spend, or money we will create by simply "printing more money."

In the first case, we force this debt on our children and their children, and they must pay it back with interest. Which is a lot like financing a binge drinking weekend with a 40 year mortgage.

In the second case, when we print more money, we are effectively devaluing everything we own by making dollars cheaper. Your house, your car, your retirement savings, your investment portfolio, etc, will all become worth much less.

And then anything imported, like oil, gold or consumer goods made abroad will cost more dollars.

Inflation is the cruelest tax of all, since it hits hardest at people on low or fixed incomes.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Obama Appoints Clinton as "1993 President Czar"

"Here's what he meant to say"
Washington DC, Dec 11, 2010. President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, has appointed former President Bill Clinon, D- Arkansas, to be his official "1993 President Czar" and to cover for him whenever he feels he is in over his head.

Former President Clinton graciously accepted the appointment, saying "It feels great being back in the saddle again."

The new Czar took over for President Obama yesterday after he fumbled the ball on  the tax compromise bill, and spoke for over 60 minutes at a White House press conference without needing or using a teleprompter.

The President looked on in awe, as the former President schooled him in the proper way to "connect with voters." Former President Clinton expressed strong support for President Obama's tax compromise plan, saying "If we fail to make this compromise, we will end up with a permanent tax cut when the Republicans take control of the House next month."

"I should have said something like that" President Obama whispered to Vice President Biden. Biden replied, "Shut up and learn something. Pay attention. See how it's done."

President Obama later explained to reporters, "I didn't do this because I am in over my head, although it's pretty obvious that I am. I made this move because my schedule is so tight that I just need help from Bill Clinton right now."

"Michelle is pissed off because we are late for a party, and we still haven't packed for our Hawaiian extravaganza vacation yet. At least this way, Bill Clinton can help me free up my time for the more important work of vacationing and golfing."

President Lights Kwanzaa Tree

Washington DC, Dec 10, 2010. President Barack Obama, D-Kenya, and First Lady Michelle Obama lit the National Kwanzaa Tree at the White House today.

The Kwanzaa tree tradition was just started last year, when the Obama's spent their first holiday season in the White House.

"We researched it, and couldn't find any reference to a Ramadan Tree, so we decided to celebrate Kwanzaa in lieu of Christmas, First Lady Michelle Obama told us.

"Christmas had a long run, but it's time to move on to less violent religions," the President said. "This is a good example of the type of change I promised you when I was campaigning in 2008."

"Christianity is the religion of the slaveholders and the people who oppress minorities," President Obama added, "so we thought it would be much more appropriate to celebrate Kwanzaa instead."

Former President GW Bush chimed in, saying "Kwanzaa is a holiday of peace."

President Obama told us he hoped the Kwanzaa tradition would stick, and that future presidents would also adopt the concept of having a Kwanzaa Tree at the White House.

This year's "Kwanzaa Klaus" was played by Karenga Musabe Otombo (born Wille Ray Johnson), who is a long time Obama family friend.

Mr. Otombo is currently working at the White House as one of the President's personal valets. "I have nine valets," the President revealed, "and I probably need two or three more, given my hectic travel schedule."

"We first met at Rev. Jeremiah Wright's Liberation Theology Church" the First Lady told us, "and we really hit it off."

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Julian Assange Arrested for "Not Wearing a Condom!"

London, Dec 6, 2010. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was today arrested on extradition orders by British police after voluntarily meeting officers.

He will appear before a district Westminster Magistrates Court, London, within hours over demands that he is sent to Sweden to face questioning over rape allegations.
It comes after British police finally took receipt of the correct paperwork for a European Arrest Warrant yesterday.

United States Defence Secretary Robert Gates welcomed the news of Assange's fate during a visit to Afghanistan. "That sounds like good news to me," he said. "We hope this trumped up charge sticks," Gates told us. "Someone has to stop this man from leaking all our important secrets."

Ironically, the same liberal Democrats who hailed the leaking of the Pentagon Papers that embarrassed Richard Nixon, are now denouncing Assange for leaking documents that embarrass the Obama Administration. 

Prosecutors in Stockholm want to question Assange over claims he sexually assaulted two women during a visit to Sweden in August. 

The allegations include rape and molestation in one case and molestation and unlawful coercion in a second.

Assange has denied the allegations which he has claimed stem from a dispute over "consensual but unprotected sex." The claims surround two women – one of whom says Assange deliberately "sabotaged" a condom when it broke while they were having sex.

In Sweden, you can be held criminally responsible if your condom breaks, under new EU regulations. And since there is no crime against leaking United States classified documents, it was felt the trumped up sex charges should be employed in this situation.

Some of Assange's most strident supporters say that he is the victim of a honeytrap orchestrated by the U.S. and have organized boycotts against PayPal and the Swiss Bank that froze his assets.

Napolitano Orders Full Body Scanners for Walmart

Washington DC, Dec 6, 2010. Department of Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano today announced that she was ordering all Walmart Stores to install full body scanners.

Napolitano is launching her “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign to Walmart stores across the country creating a new partnership between DHS and Walmart.

The hope is that this will  help the American public play an active role in ensuring the safety and security of our nation.

“Homeland security starts with hometown security, and each of us plays a critical role in keeping our country and communities safe,” said Secretary Napolitano.
“I applaud Walmart for joining the "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign. This partnership will help millions of shoppers across the nation identify and report indicators of terrorism, crime and other threats to law enforcement authorities.” 

Napolitano told us "Reliable sources tell us that many terrorists purchase their guns, ammo, fertilizer, and diesel fuel at Walmart Store. So it makes perfect sense to monitor their shoppers more closely" 

Also there is also evidence that some Islamic terrorist groups have infiltrated Walmart, even rising to positions as managers in the organization.

More than 230 Walmart stores nationwide have already launched Napolitano's  “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign, with a total of 588 Walmart stores in 27 states joining in the coming weeks. 

A short video message will play at select checkout locations to remind shoppers to contact local law enforcement to report suspicious activity.

Napolitano realized the threat posed by Walmart after she connected the dots from recent terror attempts.

"We have had terror attack attempts based on shoes, underwear, and hand lotions in plastic bottles.... all of which are routinely sold at Walmart," she told us.

"The FBI files on the 911 hijackers clearly showed that 12 of the 19 alleged terror suspects were regular Walmart shoppers," raising the need to monitor Walmart shoppers more closely.