Teddy Kennedy: Clean and Sober Over 2 Years!

Teddy says he completely stopped drinking

Boston, MA, Nov 16, 2011. The Boston chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous announced today that former Massachusetts senator Teddy Kennedy has now entered his 26th month of being completely alcohol free.

Senator Kennedy attributes this milestone to "hard work" and "lots of support from my friends and family."  He also had a lot of help from the support group at the Boston chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"When I died in 2009 of that brain tumor brought on by alcohol addiction, I took it as a sign it was time to stop drinking," Senator Kennedy told us. "God told me it was time to put down the bottle, so I finally listened to Him."

"I quit cold turkey. Which meant I had to stop drinking Wild Turkey, which was one of my favorite beverages back then," he told us.

Teddy Kennedy began drinking alcohol when he was eight years old, and drank heavily for the next sixty eight years. "My dad was in the business of boot legging and rum running," he told us, "so there was always plenty of booze lying around the house."

Mary Jo is glad he finally quit

The former Senator told us "I'm not getting overconfident, but I hope I can stay sober forever. My motto is one day at a time."

One of Teddy's former girlfriends, Mary Jo Kopecne, told us "Teddy wanted to quit drinking for years. It was only when the brain tumor got him that he got serious about giving up the bottle."

"I'm really glad he finally decided to quit drinking completely. His alcohol addiction played a big part in the reason we broke up," Miss Kopecne said.

Obama Campaign Donor Gets $433 million No Bid Contract

"Thanks Barack! What a sweet deal!"

Washington DC, Nov 13, 2011. A company controlled by a longtime Obama friend and political donor got a no-bid contract to supply an experimental remedy for a threat that may not exist.

The Obama administration has awarded a $433-million contract to buy an experimental smallpox drug, despite uncertainty over whether it is needed or whether it will even work.

The contract was awarded to New York-based Siga Technologies Inc., whose controlling shareholder is billionaire Ronald O. Perelman, a longtime Democratic Party donor.

When Siga complained that contracting specialists at the Department of Health and Human Services were resisting the company's financial demands, senior Obama administration officials replaced the government's lead negotiator for the deal, interviews and documents show.

When Siga was in danger of losing its grip on the contract a year ago, the Obama administration officials blocked other firms from competing.

"Just keep this between us, Ron"

Siga was awarded the final contract in May through a "sole-source" procurement in which it was the only company asked to submit a proposal. The contract calls for Siga to deliver 1.7 million doses of the drug for the nation's biodefense stockpile.

The price of approximately $255 per dose is well above what the government's specialists had earlier said was reasonable, according to internal documents and interviews.

Once feared for its grotesque pustules and 30% death rate, smallpox was eradicated worldwide as of 1978 and is known to exist only in the locked freezers of a Russian scientific institute and the U.S. government.

There is no credible evidence that any other country or a terrorist group possesses smallpox.

If there were an attack, the government could draw on $1 billion worth of smallpox vaccine it already owns to inoculate the entire U.S. population and quickly treat people exposed to the virus. The vaccine, which costs the government $3 per dose, can reliably prevent death when given within four days of exposure.

Siga's drug, an antiviral pill called ST-246, would be used to treat people who were diagnosed with smallpox too late for the vaccine to help.

Yet the new drug cannot be tested for effectiveness in people because of ethical constraints — and no one knows whether animal testing could prove it would work in humans.

Should the U.S. buy an untested drug for such an unproven threat? And to make matters worse, the drug is only good for 37 months, which means every three years we will have to buy more from the same Obama cronies.

New Census Report: Obama Sets New Poverty Record

President Obama takes pride in this achievement

Washington DC, Nov 10, 2011. The efforts of the Obama Administration are clearly paying off, as the ranks of those Americans living below the poverty level has reached record high levels.

America's poor are greater than previously thought, reaching a new level of 49.1 million, or 16 percent  due to rising costs and other expenses that make it harder for people to stay afloat, according to new census estimates released this Monday.

The numbers released Monday are part of a first-ever supplemental poverty measure aimed at providing a fuller picture of poverty. It is considered experimental and does not replace the Census Bureau's official poverty formula, which continues to determine eligibility and distribution of billions of dollars in federal aid for the poor. Based on the revised formula, the number of poor people exceeds the record 46.2 million, or 15.1 percent, that was officially reported in September. 

This is good news for the Democrat Party, since less affluent Americans tend to be the most loyal Democrat Party voters. "I we can drive the poverty rate up to 20% by next November, then President Obama's reelection will be a sure thing," a President Obama's Poverty Czar John Bellmore told us.

Obama's Poverty Czar Johnny "Rags" Bellmore

While the Democrat Party has been careful not to imply that they caused this spike in the poverty level... by reckless borrowing and wasteful spending... they do recognize the political advantages this brings them.

"For the record," the Democrat Party didn't cause this downward spiral," Bellmore told us, "but we are happy to reap the political benefit from it."

"Like President Obama says, this is all former President Bush's fault," Bellmore continued.

For the first time, the share of Hispanics living in poverty surpassed that of African-Americans, 28.2 percent to 25.4 percent. That is due to an increase in the poverty rate for Hispanics under the new measure because of lower participation of illegal immigrants and non-English speakers in government aid programs such as housing and food stamps.

"We need more bilingual social workers, so we can teach these new immigrants how to get more government benefits," the Democrat Party spokesman told us.

The First Lady thinks the poor should eat more salads

First Lady Michelle Obama has her own solution for the poverty problem. The First Lady thinks that poor people should eat more salads and exercise more.

"Lets face it, salads are a lot cheaper and lot healthier than eating all those high calorie meats," she told us.

"And exercise is important too," she added, "to prevent the common problem of morbid obesity and chronic diabetes among America's poor."

Cain Accuser Comes Forward; Has Photographic Proof!

Washington DC, Nov 8, 2011. Another woman who knew Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has come forward with evidence of sexual harassment.

The difference in this case is that the woman claims to have photographic proof of the sexual harassment incident, which is alleged to have occurred during a charity event in 1995.

Mrs. Helen Thomas, a 91 year old retired housewife who lives in Washington DC, alleges that she recalls an incident at a charity fund raiser, where a strange black man sat next to her, reached his arm around her, and inappropriately squeezed her.

At the time she had no idea who this man was, and since he didn't do much more than stroke her arm and make a few inappropriate suggestions, she simply dropped the matter and let it go.

However, Mrs. Thomas now says that while looking at some photos taken at the fund raising event, she  recognized the man who harassed her as GOP candidate Herman Cain. "Back then he was a nobody. I had no idea who he was," Mrs. Thomas told us. "I just was glad he left me alone after I told him to get lost."

Mrs. Thomas told us that Cain was "real touchy feely" and tried to grab her right breast when he put his arm around her.  "He kept asking me if I wanted to go somewhere more private with him." Mrs. Thomas remembers him saying.

Attorney Gloria Allred is representing Mrs. Thomas, and says they will file formal charges tomorrow in DC District Court.

Photographic proof of harassment by Cain

"Its just a terrible shame that attractive white women like Mrs. Thomas have to be subjected to this type of harassment and abuse by black conservative politicians," Ms. Allred told us.

"We plan to sue for $20 million in damages, due to the psychological pain and suffering Mrs. Thomas has endured. Hopefully, other woman will now come forward so we can punish this sexual predator."

Radical Liberals Issue "Wish List of Demands"

San Francisco, Nov 7, 2011. The Center for Progressive Policy has released their complete list of "things that need banning."

These are things that leftwing radicals find dangerous, offensive, or are simply politically incorrect. These things are either currently banned in some places, or things they would like to ban across the board everyplace.

Ironically, these are the people who claim they are for freedom of choice, yet they want to ban anything they don't like, taking away your right to choose.

The radical left has either banned, or wants to ban the following. Many of these things are banned in certain cities, and others are just their wish list of things they would ban....

(the list was so long I had to alphabetize it)

* aerosol cans

Typical liberal progressives

* ammunition and bullets
* baseball players using tobacco products
* bottled water (San Francisco)
* bull fighting
* burning coal
* carbon dioxide
* Christmas trees in public places
* cigarette smoking in public places
* cigarette smoking in your own home
* clove flavored cigarettes (San Francisco)
* coal mining
* conservative websites (yes... they tried this in DC)
* cutting trees on your own property (California)
* drilling for oil
* diving boards in swimming pools
* DDT
* freon
* disposable diapers
* dodgeball played in schools
* drinking whole milk

Al Gore supports every item

* driving in a car without wearing a seat belt
* eating anything fried in transfats (NYC)
* eating red meat
* enforcing immigration laws
* flying an American flag
* food that contains too much salt (NYC)
* fossil fuels
* freedom of speech at universities
* gender biased words like "history"
* glass beer bottles
* Glenn Beck
* goldfish (San Francisco)
* guns of all kinds
* "In God We Trust" on our currency
* internal combustion engines
* junk food
* male circumcision
* mentioning God in public places
* merit pay for union workers
* normal flush toilets

President Obama concurs

* nuclear power plants
* plastic bags
* refining oil
* riding a motorcycle without a helmet
* Rush Limbaugh
* saying "Merry Christmas"
* soft drinks sweetened with sugar
* soft drinks sold from vending machines
* speech that anyone might find offensive
* sports that involve violent physical contact
* styrofoam containers (proposed in California)
* SUVs
* talk radio they don't like
* teaching real history in schools
* teaching penmanship
* the Ten Commandments
* toys in Happy Meals (San Francisco)
* unsupervised children blowing up balloons (EU)
* using metaphors like target, crosshairs, or sights
* using President Obama's middle name
* using the phrase "Obamacare" for National Healthcare
* Walmart (yes... they are banned in some cities)
* wearing animal fur

A few of the things on the above list are actually good ideas, but most are sheer nonsense.

Chicago Voter Registration Drive is a Huge Success

Newly registered Democrat voters

Chicago, Nov 5, 2011. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel today announced that the latest Cook County Democrat Party voter registration drive has been a huge success.

"Voter registration drives like these are the key to reelecting President Obama," the Mayor told us. "We must continue to reach out to new voters to make sure everyone gets a chance to vote in next November's election."

Over 400,000 new voters were added to the rolls in this latest voter registration drive.

Chicago has often been a key player in Presidential elections, having pushed John F. Kennedy "over the top" in the 1960 Presidential election.

When asked why the number of registered Democrat voters in Cook County exceeds the population there, Mayor Emanuel replied "The census misses a lot of people here. Most of the homeless, the illegal aliens, and people who travel a lot simply aren't counted."

Cook County has around 5.2 million people according to the last national census, but has over 7 million registered Democrats, which seems to support Mayor Emanuel's claim. 

The Chicago area is often praised for having the fairest and most accessible voter registration system in the nation.

The Mayor celebrates, while waving new voter totals

"You don't even have to register in person. Just send in a simple form. Our system assures that everyone entitled to vote, gets to vote.

Yesterday, Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi both registered to vote in Chicago.

They now have joined other prominent statesmen like Robert Byrd, John Murtha  and Teddy Kennedy as Cook County Democrats.

Nigerian Baby Discovered on Government Payroll

Former Head Banking Commissioner

Lagos, Nigeria, Nov 4, 2011.  A one-month-old baby, who is said to hold a college diploma, was on the Nigerian government payroll, officials have discovered, exposing the rampant corruption in Africa's most populous country.

The name of the infant was recently found on the payment voucher of a local government council in northern Nigeria during an exercise to fish out ghost employees from a bloated workforce, Garba Gajam, justice commissioner for Zamfara State told AFP late Wednesday.

"We discovered that a one-month-old baby was among the employees of one local government who is paid a salary," Gajam said.

Adding family members to the payroll is a common practice among local government officials, according to state justice commissioner Garba Gajam.

"What is even more astonishing is that it was indicated in the payroll that the infant holds an ordinary national diploma," said Gajam, revealing that the discovery is a "widespread trend in the local government service where senior officials stuff payrolls with the names of their wives and children".

This latest fraud was discovered during an investigation into such "ghost workers", he said. The case was broken when the baby sent out over 60,000 emails, claiming to have discovered large bank accounts with unclaimed millions in them. The baby said the money would be sent in exchange for the payment of the usual processing fees.