Kenyan Village Prepares for Barack Obama Homecoming

Obama's grandmother Sara is planning a chicken dinner in his honor

Kogelo, Kenya July 31, 2012. The tiny western Kenyan village of Kogelo is anxiously looking forward to the return of their native son Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, after he loses the election in November.

"We are having mixed emotions about all of this," tribal chieftain B'zongo Umbaca told us.

"We are anxiously wanting to see our brother Barack back home, but we are also very disappointed that he will lose the election."

Our reporter asked the village chieftain why he was so certain that Obama would lose. "We are not stupid. We can see the same polls you can see. We have internet now. We read Drudge Report here in Kenya, and we can watch CNN on the television at town library," he told us.

"We just don't see how he can win. We know all his policies have failed, and he has created huge debts for his nation. The Americans were very kind to give him a chance, but it is such a pity that he wasted it playing golf and going on so many vacations," he told us.

"It is a big problem when Americans are coming to Kenya to find jobs because there are no jobs left in the USA. Barack really tried his best, but the gods were not with him. He have much bad juju. Too much for any man to overcome."

Obama's fourth cousin George Odour

"In Kenya we have a saying "umgowa g'nati bazongo kafries," which when translated means "he inherited a big mess of goat droppings."

"You see, Barack was not the smartest Obama son. He probably would have made a very good shepherd or farmer. It was too much to ask him to lead a big nation.  But we are still very happy that he will be coming home to live with us again. We are looking forward to seeing him with our hearts filled with joy," Chief Umbaca continued.

The President's step grandmother "Mama Sara" is planning a feast of freshly killed chicken when he comes home. "I know he probably would prefer dogmeat, but we don't eat dogs here in Kenya."

"This is a civilized nation. We are not savages like those Indonesians are. That is a bad habit he picked up in Indonesia, and you can blame his Indonesian stepfather for that," she told us.

Kogelo Dance Troupe rehearsing for the Homecoming Festival

"We are all praying for a miracle now. Maybe ACORN can do some voodoo magic, like they did for Al Franken. We are hoping for the best but are also preparing for the worst," President Obama's fourth cousin George Odour told us.

"If the worst happens, at least we will have our brother back home with us. That is not such a bad thing to happen. The whole village will be celebrating and thanking all the gods for his safe return."