January Unemployment Rate Revised Down to 4.3%

"All my economic policies are finally paying off"

Washington DC, Feb 16, 2012. A beaming President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, announced today at a White House press conference that the January unemployment rate has been revised and now stands at 4.3%.

"We corrected some of the mistakes we found in the accounting methods used by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, and recalculated the rate to reflect a more accurate picture of the economy," the President told us.

By using newer and better accounting methods, the President was able to drive the unemployment rate all the way down to 4.3% from the 8.5% rate we had in December 2011.

The key to this dramatic improvement in this important economic indicator was that the White House decided to drop 2 million unemployed workers, the ones who have been unemployed for more than two years, out of the employment pool because "they obviously weren't that serious about finding work."

In addition, another 1.6 million unemployed workers under age 23 were dropped because "people this young should still be supported by their parents."

"These minor modifications to the accounting method are necessary in order to portray a more accurate picture of the true state of the economy to the voters." President Obama told us. "The voters will need accurate information in order to make an informed decision on election day. Hopefully, once they see the true facts they will reelect one of the very best presidents in American history.... me."

The President is also projecting another big drop in the unemployment rate for February after he drops another 1.4 million workers out of the employment pool.

"Those unemployed workers over age 55 really should be retired anyway. They are just taking jobs away from young people and illegal aliens who need work. Fortunately, my healthcare bill has a plan to deal with those old people too."