President Pardons Four Drug Dealers

Washington DC, Nov 23, 2011. In the spirit of the Thanksgiving holiday season, President Barack Hussein Obama, D-Kenya, has pardoned five convicted criminals.

The President pardoned five people convicted of charges ranging from intent to distribute marijuana to running an illegal gambling business.

In addition, he issued his first commutation, ordering the release of a woman next month after serving 10 years on a 22-year sentence for cocaine distribution.

The President, whose Attorney General Eric Holder has previously supplied guns to Mexican drug cartels, has decided to show mercy towards these low level drug dealers by issuing them Presidential pardons.  To his credit though, there is no evidence that the President actually sold these pardons, as former President Clinton was prone to do.

In related news, the President also pardoned the two official White House turkeys "Peace" and "Liberty."

Unfortunately, the two turkeys President Obama pardoned last year were reported to be victims of heart failure. Last year's presidentially pardoned turkeys, Apple and Cider, passed away within the year after President Obama pardoned them.

Apple and Cider -- RIP

Those unfortunate turkeys couldn't survive for very long because their large size shortens their lifespan

The birds are bred for eating, which makes them fat and prone to heart disease, respiratory conditions, and strained joints.

In order to dodge death, the turkeys would need to be on a restrictive diet. And sadly, they were fed regular turkey chow.